Sidelines – A Father’s Heartache part 23

Lies and Deception, and Stories told

Turning a loving heart to one bitter and cold

I loved my child, from the very start

The lies she has told you has torn us apart

Forced to the sidelines, where I have watched you grow

Pleading with God that my love you would know

Faithfully watching from the sidelines each day

I stood there and watched you as you would laugh and did play

So many lies and deceptions were placed in your heart

While behind the scenes she would keep us apart

I fought and I fought for my fathers rights

While never letting go and out of my sights

Now that you’re older You struggle to know

That I did all I could for you while I watched as you grow

Doing the best from a distance that could possibly be done

I filled our brief moments with love, happiness and fun

Now you struggle to know in this life what is real

I pray deep in your heart that you know what is real

So please stop hating me and believing the lies

For each day you were gone from me I felt I would die

For you see I’m a father, pushed to the sidelines of life

By the same one that’s pierced our hearts with her knife

Yet in spite of the heartache, the sadness and pain

My love for you is grows deeper and will always remain

The Love of Our Father – A Father’s Heartache, part 22

Last night I sat pondering the lost opportunities with my children and their resulting struggle to be able to open up and emotionally connect with me at times. Many of these challenges they face are a result of the conflicting messages delivered from their mother regarding my love for them and my own love towards them.   The message conflicts and confuses my dear children.  In her vile attempts to discredit me and hurt my relationship with my children the results do not match her desires yet create confusion and havoc in the minds of my precious little ones as they attempt to reconcile within their minds the opposite messages they are receiving.

As I sought Heavenly understanding of this situation the thought occurred to me that we too face this reality in our own lives with our very personal relationships with our Savior Jesus Christ, and Father in Heaven.  I can only imagine upon the feelings that I have in my own life, with my extreme hunger to connect with my children more deeply, that our own Father in Heaven, whose love is perfect must also feel the extreme anguish of a Father desiring nothing more than to connect with his children.  Do we as sons and daughters of God prevent this connection ourselves as result of the mixed messages continually bombarding us?

The world would tell us that God doesn’t exist, that he isn’t real.  That if He did exist then what a cruel God he is for letting so many suffer as they do.  That God doesn’t care what we do or how we act.  These messages conflict with what each of us know and feel deep within ourselves.   Their are many who would deny these feelings and replace them with confusion and chaos in order to alleviate the hunger inside of each of us to connect with our God and his utmost desire to connect with us.

Just as I long to hear from my children during those long breaks between visits and my hunger to feel their love, so does our Father in Heaven and His only Begotten Son desire the same with us.

As I pondered the anguish of my soul and the yearning to connect more deeply with my children, to help them through these challenges in their lives and the hunger within to feel their love for me, I understood their challenges more clearly in managing the pain that they feel within.  For when I reflected upon the very reasons I struggle to connect with my Heavenly Father, it is a result of the heartache I hold within me that prevents me from feeling His love for me.

My failure to allow my Savior to remove this heartache from me directly impacts my relationship with Him and my Father, so too does my children’s heartache with me.  It is in these times that my Heavenly Father has taught me the solution, His continual outpouring of love upon me and my family eases my burden, I am comforted to know that my outpouring of love upon my own children eases theirs.

Goodbyes – A Fathers Heartache, part 21

Goodbyes never get any easier.    I say them often to my beloved children as they leave to go back their mothers.  After years of this heartache, at times I seem numb to it, yet the pain deep inside can never be removed.

I often wonder what it is like for my children.   The heartache that they must feel moving between homes must at time be unbearable for them as well.  As each goodbye comes every week, the hugs and expressions of love are shared, yet as i watch them leave I can’t help but wonder if they truly know how much I love and adore them.

Our time with our children is our top priority when we are all together.   We support their activities and sports while balancing the precious limited moments in time we have to be together.  We spend our time together trying to show them of our deep love for them in every moment, from the small talk to family dinners, to the activities to the tucking in at bed and nightly prayer.

Then the goodbyes painfully come again.  As I reflect upon last nights goodbye, the realization of the extremely limited communication for the next week deepens the heartache felt watching the kids as they leave.  I think to myself as I watch them go that such little time is so unfair.  With a deep breath, followed by a long sigh, the emotions are back under control as I drive home alone once again, the same lonely drive made six times a month.

Goodbyes never get easier, the pain always present, as the fortress around my heart strengthens.

Haunted Memories – A Fathers Heartache part 20

Actions of another have tremendous influence and power over our lives.  The scars and memories associated at times return in our sleep and haunt us.  These moments can be unnerving as I try to press forward and rebuild and maintain the relationships that my ex has tried for so many years to destroy.  Those of my dear children.

The other night was one such moment, I awoke from a haunting nightmare recalling moments in the past.  Restlessly I laid there clearing my mind from those painful memories and moments frozen in time in my mind.  The heartache I felt during this time was a fresh as the moment it was happening, I fear that my life will forever be scarred from this real life nightmare.

I recalled in my dream two moments in time, agonizing and painful memories of times when my ex refused my visitation with my children.  The months of games and heartache for both of my children as I frantically searched for them and worked the legal system to no avail.

The first memory that came flooding back was the attempted kidnapping of my son Bridger as my ex tried to flee to Canada with him as an infant.  The utter despair I felt as I searched for days trying to find my son, learning of her plans to leave for Canada and the pit in my stomach.  I remember vividly the night we finally located her, the police and the knock on the door where she was staying, 10 hours prior to her flight.  Too close for anyone to ever comprehend the sorrow welling up inside of me at that moment to be replaced by the magnitude of relief and joy I felt as my dear son was placed into my arms by the local sheriff.   The ridiculousness and absurdity of the judges ruling after her attempted abduction by “ordering” her to remain within the state of Utah upon returning our son back into her custody.  The years of turmoil, fear and concern over another attempt, only this time to be too late.

Quickly I forced that nightmare from my mind, fell asleep again only to awaken with the shaking and fear as the memories of 3 long months being denied visits and phone calls to my children, all at the whim of my ex.  The extreme heartache felt as each week I would attempt with a local sheriff to seek my court ordered visit with my children.  The anguish and disappointment with each failed attempt.  The evil smirk on her face each time the same answer was given to the sheriff, “no, i won’t let my kids go today.” with the sheriff’s constant response, “here is the case number, it is a civil matter and we cannot do anything more about it.  You will need to go back to court”  The weeks and months passed as we tried desperately to get in front of the judge to stop this from continuing.  The damaged relationships getting hurt more and more with each passing day.  Finally after nearly 3 months a resolution from the judge.  There would be a 3rd party ordered to document exchanges between the parties, any denial of visits would be met with contempt.  The cost to be burdened by me at 140.00 per month on top.   Blood money I paid to see my kids.  The only way I could.

These memories carry significant heartache and agony within them.  A few times a year these memories flood back and overwhelm me, the sorrow, heartache, anguish and despair living ever quietly in the recesses of my mind, waiting to remind me of painful days gone by.

Best Friend

You are a bright spot in this world of mine
I feel I’ve been robbed for there is never enough time.
So little time shared between your mother and I.
When you’re not here I just want to cry.
My life exists to be your dad.
And when I can’t hold you it makes me so sad.
The joy in our lives was ripped from our hearts.
The lies she brought in was just the start.
So know that I love you, and will always care.
I know that this world  is so hard to bear.
So be my little buddy, and my best friend.
My love for you will never end.

WORDS

Vile words

Roll off the tongue

Placing blame

For things that are done

The hateful words

You frequently say

Hurt our children

Every day

The hatred spewed

And directed at me

Haunt our children

And what they can be

For within their hearts

So pure and true

is part of me

And part of you

Each word spoken

and slip of the tongue

Damages our children

And cannot be undone

So hate me if you must

But speak only kind

For our children’s tender hearts

Are tied up in a bind

Each word destroys

A part of their soul

And hurts them more

Thank you can ever know

Each word spoken

in jest about me

Tells our children

What they can be

The Games She Plays – A Fathers Heartache 19

I really hate being made out to be the bad guy with my children.   The stupid games of planning a family trip on my Fathers Day weekend and getting the kids all excited about it is a joke!  AFTER she plans the trip she then tries to “work” out a solution or a trade in weekends so that the kids can go with them.  Here’s a solution!  plan the trip on any of the 20 days a month you don’t let me see them! Who in their right mind does this crap to their children?

Now that she has done that, I am left holding the bag for this crap!  If I say no, the game starts that “your dad won’t let you come on this family trip!”  “If he loved you and really cared for you then that he wouldn’t take this away from you”

Why is it that I am able to plan ALL of my family time and trips around the extremely limited time that I get to see them and she pulls this crap on MY fathers day weekend?

Nine long years of these stupid games on my children.  Will she ever learn that she is destroying our children before it’s too late?

I can only pray for a miracle that my dear children survive her bullshit.

The Path of Least Conflict – A Fathers Heartache part 18

This weekend we celebrate the wedding of my oldest nephew, the oldest child of my twin brother.  It is a time for celebration, for our families to come together and spend time this weekend as this new journey in life begins.  Family has always been the most important thing in my life.  The irony of the situation created for me through her infidelity has left me many times scrambling to keep my family tight and close together, amidst great odds and challenges heretofore not thought of in this life of mine.

Family events such as are occurring this week are moments I treasure to be with not only my dear children but also my nieces and nephews.  As a child growing up we were extremely close with our aunts, uncles and cousins and I have always desired the same for my children.  These moments aide in strengthening that bond.

Late last night, to my utter astonishment I receive a text message from my dear son. “Dad, did you get the email on my 7 on 7 football league?  I have 4 games tomorrow” (the tournament also continues into Saturday)  The answer is most often the same when this question arises, no I was not copied on that email.

We have faced this situation many many times in the past when an activity the kids are involved in interfere with a family event.  I have always let my son make his own choices when these situations arise.  I have taught him much about the importance of his family and witnessed many times when these issues arise, he chooses his family first as his priority.  He loves his sports and is an extremely talented and gifted athlete.  He also understands commitment to the team and what that means.  We try to solve these conflicts in order to accomplish both.

This time however a resolution to attend both functions is not possible.  As it is my weekend to spend time with the kids I knew that I could request of him to attend the wedding dinner tonight in place his football.  I knew that he would willingly comply with this as he truly seeks my approval.  However, I have taught him to be able to choose on his own and will always give them that ability, I will provide guidance, however I will never dictate.

Upon receiving his message last night, I asked him to sleep on it and call me in the morning.  This is when my frustration built and the anger kindled.  I received his phone call around 7:30 this morning and we talked about the dilemma and what should be done.  As we were discussing the issue and the special uniqueness of this particular family function in contrast to his commitment to the team, in the background was heard his mother telling him that he had to attend football or she would be really upset with him.   I listened as my son was torn from his family by someone who has been much estranged within their own and turmoil thrust upon him.

The path of least resistance won again as he decided to attend to football over the wedding dinner.  In order to keep the peace in the home he spends the most time in, he chose the path that would create the least conflict. Sad, discouraged and frustrated as I was with this situation, I always give my children their own choices while realizing that is used against me to control the children on the other side. 

Countless times I watch as I allow them to make choices.  The choices chosen are ones for them to avoid conflict as they are confident in our relationship, the choice always follows the path that provides for them the least amount of conflict in their life.  Unfortunately for my dear children, others choose to parent with the power that conflicts provide them in controlling their perceived property.  I miss out on many events with my children as a result of this dynamic, yet I know that they are confident in the fact that I love them and that their security lies within my loving arms and home.

Moments in Time, Moments Lost – A Fathers Heartache part 17

It is often said that one day my children will know and understand how much I love them.  I wonder if the bond that I seek with them will ever fully be realized.  The many missed moments in life of tucking them into bed, having our nightly prayers together, the morning breakfasts and all the other many day to day moments that I hunger for and miss out on.  What impact in a relationship does this have with young children?  I have to imagine an immense one, an uncontrollable chasm created in a relationship with such missed opportunities that so many take for granted.

I feel an incredibly deep love for my children, yet the bond seems weak in comparison with that of their mothers, as they rightfully love her and share those moments that I sadly miss out on.  The greatest pain comes from knowing this was a decision not of my own, yet the suffering is mine. 

Each decision and choice in my life is made in regards to the few hours a week when I get to hear their laughs, see their smiles and feel their hugs.  My trips for work, my appointments and my time off are all planned around maximizing the moments of heavenly joy when my children are near me.  I focus and stress enjoying quality moments in time with my children, although few and fleeting, it’s all I have.  I hunger for that deep bond with them, the nightmares of missing out on many of those moments haunts me.

I live in the moment with my children, I treasure the moments, the family time, the laughs and the love that we share when we are together, yet I long for a time when the decision to spend time with dad is theirs. I  pray that the missed moments are lessened in time and a greater balance is obtained. 

The heartache stays locked up, deep inside as the sorrow of time lost remains ever present on the surface of my life.  As my love for my children continues to grow and deepen with each passing day, the sadness looms in the distance with each moment I miss.

 

Lost Holidays – A Fathers Heartache part 16

As a child holidays were sacred family time where all of our relatives would gather together to celebrate.  We were surrounded by love that permeated every part of us.  These were special occasions for our family that all of the cousins looked forward to in great anticipation.  Magical moments in life that carry vivid memories now as adults.  These opportunities for family to get together created a strong sentiment in my life for the magic of each holiday and corresponding celebrations.

As I grew older and began my family I yearned to create that same magical experience for my children as I was given growing up.  I desired to create those same wonderful memories with my little ones and make each holiday special.  As a parent, these days became even more special and wonderful as I watched my little ones eyes light up with each passing holiday.

As many know and painfully experience, life brings about changes for each of us, many beyond our ability to control.  While we adapt and evolve with each change, many of them bring with it much heartache and sorrow that repeats often throughout the years.  Many holidays for me no longer carry that magic and wonderment I felt as a child, they are replaced with sorrow and loneliness as my soul hungers and aches to see my dear children on these days that were so magical for me as a child.

While I am grateful to be able to rotate holidays and that my children are able to spend some with me, the residue of pain from these lost holidays remains and creates a chasm in my heart that I am unable to fill.  Despair washes over me each time I suffer another lost holiday.  Many of these holidays I swallow hard the bitter pill of loneliness that accompanies this gulf of sadness that comes with each missing heartbeat of my children.  My mind plays silhouettes of my children running, playing, and laughing in places I cannot watch. While I am surrounded by others whom I love and they love me, the chasm between the emotions runs deep.  I smile, laugh and play on these days while on the inside my heart is breaking for each lost day of magic with my children.