Actions of another have tremendous influence and power over our lives. The scars and memories associated at times return in our sleep and haunt us. These moments can be unnerving as I try to press forward and rebuild and maintain the relationships that my ex has tried for so many years to destroy. Those of my dear children.
The other night was one such moment, I awoke from a haunting nightmare recalling moments in the past. Restlessly I laid there clearing my mind from those painful memories and moments frozen in time in my mind. The heartache I felt during this time was a fresh as the moment it was happening, I fear that my life will forever be scarred from this real life nightmare.
I recalled in my dream two moments in time, agonizing and painful memories of times when my ex refused my visitation with my children. The months of games and heartache for both of my children as I frantically searched for them and worked the legal system to no avail.
The first memory that came flooding back was the attempted kidnapping of my son Bridger as my ex tried to flee to Canada with him as an infant. The utter despair I felt as I searched for days trying to find my son, learning of her plans to leave for Canada and the pit in my stomach. I remember vividly the night we finally located her, the police and the knock on the door where she was staying, 10 hours prior to her flight. Too close for anyone to ever comprehend the sorrow welling up inside of me at that moment to be replaced by the magnitude of relief and joy I felt as my dear son was placed into my arms by the local sheriff. The ridiculousness and absurdity of the judges ruling after her attempted abduction by “ordering” her to remain within the state of Utah upon returning our son back into her custody. The years of turmoil, fear and concern over another attempt, only this time to be too late.
Quickly I forced that nightmare from my mind, fell asleep again only to awaken with the shaking and fear as the memories of 3 long months being denied visits and phone calls to my children, all at the whim of my ex. The extreme heartache felt as each week I would attempt with a local sheriff to seek my court ordered visit with my children. The anguish and disappointment with each failed attempt. The evil smirk on her face each time the same answer was given to the sheriff, “no, i won’t let my kids go today.” with the sheriff’s constant response, “here is the case number, it is a civil matter and we cannot do anything more about it. You will need to go back to court” The weeks and months passed as we tried desperately to get in front of the judge to stop this from continuing. The damaged relationships getting hurt more and more with each passing day. Finally after nearly 3 months a resolution from the judge. There would be a 3rd party ordered to document exchanges between the parties, any denial of visits would be met with contempt. The cost to be burdened by me at 140.00 per month on top. Blood money I paid to see my kids. The only way I could.
These memories carry significant heartache and agony within them. A few times a year these memories flood back and overwhelm me, the sorrow, heartache, anguish and despair living ever quietly in the recesses of my mind, waiting to remind me of painful days gone by.