It is often said that one day my children will know and understand how much I love them. I wonder if the bond that I seek with them will ever fully be realized. The many missed moments in life of tucking them into bed, having our nightly prayers together, the morning breakfasts and all the other many day to day moments that I hunger for and miss out on. What impact in a relationship does this have with young children? I have to imagine an immense one, an uncontrollable chasm created in a relationship with such missed opportunities that so many take for granted.
I feel an incredibly deep love for my children, yet the bond seems weak in comparison with that of their mothers, as they rightfully love her and share those moments that I sadly miss out on. The greatest pain comes from knowing this was a decision not of my own, yet the suffering is mine.
Each decision and choice in my life is made in regards to the few hours a week when I get to hear their laughs, see their smiles and feel their hugs. My trips for work, my appointments and my time off are all planned around maximizing the moments of heavenly joy when my children are near me. I focus and stress enjoying quality moments in time with my children, although few and fleeting, it’s all I have. I hunger for that deep bond with them, the nightmares of missing out on many of those moments haunts me.
I live in the moment with my children, I treasure the moments, the family time, the laughs and the love that we share when we are together, yet I long for a time when the decision to spend time with dad is theirs. I pray that the missed moments are lessened in time and a greater balance is obtained.
The heartache stays locked up, deep inside as the sorrow of time lost remains ever present on the surface of my life. As my love for my children continues to grow and deepen with each passing day, the sadness looms in the distance with each moment I miss.