Moments in Time, Moments Lost – A Fathers Heartache part 17

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It is often said that one day my children will know and understand how much I love them.  I wonder if the bond that I seek with them will ever fully be realized.  The many missed moments in life of tucking them into bed, having our nightly prayers together, the morning breakfasts and all the other many day to day moments that I hunger for and miss out on.  What impact in a relationship does this have with young children?  I have to imagine an immense one, an uncontrollable chasm created in a relationship with such missed opportunities that so many take for granted.

I feel an incredibly deep love for my children, yet the bond seems weak in comparison with that of their mothers, as they rightfully love her and share those moments that I sadly miss out on.  The greatest pain comes from knowing this was a decision not of my own, yet the suffering is mine. 

Each decision and choice in my life is made in regards to the few hours a week when I get to hear their laughs, see their smiles and feel their hugs.  My trips for work, my appointments and my time off are all planned around maximizing the moments of heavenly joy when my children are near me.  I focus and stress enjoying quality moments in time with my children, although few and fleeting, it’s all I have.  I hunger for that deep bond with them, the nightmares of missing out on many of those moments haunts me.

I live in the moment with my children, I treasure the moments, the family time, the laughs and the love that we share when we are together, yet I long for a time when the decision to spend time with dad is theirs. I  pray that the missed moments are lessened in time and a greater balance is obtained. 

The heartache stays locked up, deep inside as the sorrow of time lost remains ever present on the surface of my life.  As my love for my children continues to grow and deepen with each passing day, the sadness looms in the distance with each moment I miss.

 

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13 thoughts on “Moments in Time, Moments Lost – A Fathers Heartache part 17

  1. I cried at this. It is true of mothers too. My love has grown stronger for my children each and every year. Somehow, I don’t think they quite understand my sensitivity. I wonder…will they ever? It’s nice to know I’m not an anomaly. 🙂

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    • I don’t believe that you are an anomaly. I am certain that there are many of us who feel this way. It is amazing how deeply we can love our children and how that still continues to grow each and every year. Thank you for taking the time to read this and share your thoughts.

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  2. You could create a binder for each of them with copies of all your posts about them, and then give the binders to them once you feel they’re old enough to understand, or wait until they’re adults with kids of their own at which point they will really understand.

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  3. I can totally understand where this feeling is coming from. I would feel the same… Still you get to spend time with your children and that is beautiful. And I am sure they have a bond. A strong bond. Different than what it would be, still they love you and appreciate you.

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  4. Sometimes a brief exposure is more intense, more fulfilling than a protracted one. In many ways your absences are a gift because they make your times together the more loving. As your children get older, this relationship will find a new level. Trust me, you are not denying them. There will always be regrets, but in maturity your children will reward you for all you have given them.

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