As a child holidays were sacred family time where all of our relatives would gather together to celebrate. We were surrounded by love that permeated every part of us. These were special occasions for our family that all of the cousins looked forward to in great anticipation. Magical moments in life that carry vivid memories now as adults. These opportunities for family to get together created a strong sentiment in my life for the magic of each holiday and corresponding celebrations.
As I grew older and began my family I yearned to create that same magical experience for my children as I was given growing up. I desired to create those same wonderful memories with my little ones and make each holiday special. As a parent, these days became even more special and wonderful as I watched my little ones eyes light up with each passing holiday.
As many know and painfully experience, life brings about changes for each of us, many beyond our ability to control. While we adapt and evolve with each change, many of them bring with it much heartache and sorrow that repeats often throughout the years. Many holidays for me no longer carry that magic and wonderment I felt as a child, they are replaced with sorrow and loneliness as my soul hungers and aches to see my dear children on these days that were so magical for me as a child.
While I am grateful to be able to rotate holidays and that my children are able to spend some with me, the residue of pain from these lost holidays remains and creates a chasm in my heart that I am unable to fill. Despair washes over me each time I suffer another lost holiday. Many of these holidays I swallow hard the bitter pill of loneliness that accompanies this gulf of sadness that comes with each missing heartbeat of my children. My mind plays silhouettes of my children running, playing, and laughing in places I cannot watch. While I am surrounded by others whom I love and they love me, the chasm between the emotions runs deep. I smile, laugh and play on these days while on the inside my heart is breaking for each lost day of magic with my children.