Need & Want

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I have many times in vain tried to teach my children the difference between needs and wants.  Most often these lessons have come in the form of physical items such as toys, presents, clothes or sometimes even dessert.

It has always been a relatively easy differentiation for me to see from the object related needs vs wants and how I or my children really do not need anything but that we want it.

As I have explored lately some of my deepest emotional needs that I have carried throughout my life, many brought on from childhood events and experiences and at time the intense feelings of rejection and loneliness and the emotional need this has created within me.

I need to feel wanted, loved, and accepted.    I need a hug, time and attention when I am down discouraged or feeling those intense feelings of solitude or loneliness that seem to have been such a deep part of me for as long as I can remember.

I do clearly understand the feelings of need I have and do experience and why they are so present in my life.  I have come to understand the experiences that have created that deep emotional and many times unmet need in my life.

The realization struck me that emotional needs are very similar to those we express from a physical perspective of…. I need that new car, I need that new toy…

When we express our desires in the form of “I NEED” we surrender ourselves to an inability to control our emotions or our self.   Need implies that we have no control over it and that we truly need it to survive, ie;   air, food, water.

While we may be overwhelmed with emotion and we truly believe we ‘NEED’ a hug, someone to listen or someone to be present, the reality is that we “WANT” a hug, someone to listen or someone to be present.  We want it and by recognizing that we want something instead of need something it creates the power within us and around us to have that what we want.   Need leaves everything to desperation or chance while want allows for us to take control and not leave anything to chance.

Emotionally wanting is more powerful and liberating than emotionally needing is, need is hopeless with no other options and we maintain no control over it.

When we recognize that emotionally we WANT something instead of NEEDING something then we can make choices that will allow us to get what we want instead of hoping for chance or happenstance to provide what we need.

Strengthening the Bonds of Love

I have never experienced the joy that comes from seeing my older children as they grew into adulthood and the interactions that come on a daily basis.   My entire life has been focused on being a dad, I have always tried to be a good dad and be there for my children.  As many of you who have followed this blog over the years are aware, these opportunities were taken from me through the choices that others made.  These choices impacted my life directly as my children were taken away from me by there mother and the choices she made to fall in love with someone else.

Now I find myself in an amazing marriage to the most incredible woman I could have ever dreamt of.   We have a great life!  I am watching my soon to be 5 year old grow up and I get to see her excitement for life daily.  What a blessing for me to finally after all these years be able to watch.

My little Bella brings so much love and joy into my life.

Shared experiences strengthen the bonds of love we feel for one another.

I have missed out on many of these shared experiences with my older children.  I love them deeply and unconditionally.   The bond however is different.   They are more closely bonded to their mother by nature of these shared experiences that I was robbed of.

My daughter Alexa I was blessed with through my marriage to her mother.   I have many more shared experiences with Alexa than I do my other two.  I have a deep bond with Alexa, although I love all of my children the same.   I see her and interact with her daily.   This has strengthened my bond with her over the years.

Shared experiences drive our connection with those around us.   As we strengthen these connections through time together, quality time, we can strengthen the love we have for one another.

Relationships require effort.  All things in life require effort.  Our choices are where we place that effort.   If you are struggling in your relationships and want to get them back on track, start by increasing time together that will create more shared experiences, thus intensifying the bonds between us.

Love is service, not emotion

Love for many is elusive.  We find infatuation quickly and jump into relationships based upon infatuation while professing we have found true love.  True love exists however few understand what this is.

Infatuation makes our hearts beat faster and our minds to go to mush as we get caught up in a whirlwind romance often driven by the flames of physical passion and desire.  We crave the burning chemical rush from the flames of this passion and believe we have found our soulmates.  We come from a space where our own needs and physical desires are met.  These self serving emotions are just as quickly snuffed out and we are left wondering what went wrong.  There is no foundation for infatuation, it is fleeting and built from nothing.  Infatuation hits quickly and dies faster.  We pick up the broken pieces left over from our crushed expectations and move on to the next adrenaline rush of emotions believing this time it will be different.

The world sees this as love.  We hear continually that one can fall out of love.  I argue this is impossible.  One cannot fall out of love.  We fall out of infatuation.

Love is different.  When love is real it is service.  It is kindness.  It is compassion.  It is not self serving and driven by the whims of change.  It is not fleeting and it does not die.  For when love is real, our desire is to serve others that we love, not for them to serve us.

YES we can love someone whom does not love us back.  This is common and happens often.  The greatest love stories are those that both parties have placed the others needs before there own.  They serve one another.

There are many stories told of couples when one becomes ill and the other one steps up to serve them and care for them.   It is clear that their bond and love they share grows during these difficult and trying times.  Their love grows during this season of service and caring.

We often hear of a mothers love for her children. WHY?  Because when the children are young they are fully dependent upon their mother.  Their mother loves them and this love grows as they continue to serve them.  Children learn to love their mothers as they in turn serve their mother as they grow.  Children desire to please their parents and in so doing they serve them, this service develops love.

There are many that will argue that in just as many cases that one person serves while the other one takes.  While this is true, look at the one that is always the one that is the most heartbroken when a relationship ends.  It is ALWAYS the one that served and gave the most to the relationship.

True undying mutual love can only be attained when both parties make the other a priority and serve them without expecting anything in return.  True love is service.

Anyone who goes to a foreign country to serve for any reason always comes back with a love for the people and culture in which they served.

If you are struggling in your relationships and wonder where the magic went, try genuinely serving each other and be amazed at where this will lead.

The problems with BYU Football will not be fixed by the firing of Ty Detmer

I have been a fan of BYU football since my childhood days.  From the glory days when BYU was the “Quarterback Factory” to the misery of Gary Crowton and the arrogance of Bronco Mendenhall.  I NEVER gave up on BYU and remained a loyal and steadfast fan.

Now we finish with the miserable year that was 2017.  Through all the ups and downs, injuries and mistakes on the field, I had hope.   I believed that as this coaching staff was finally able to coach their OWN recruits that this year would be an anomaly.  I had hope for the future of BYU Football and possibly the return to the program I enjoyed watching as a young man.  I remained a LOYAL and faithful fan through it all.

Now I sit here in shock and disbelief.  The team that I have remained loyal to since Lavell Retired, the team that I never gave up on, slapped the fans in the face and showed their true colors yesterday.  The firing of Ty Detmer as the Offensive Coordinator was a cowardly act by Kilani Sitake and Tom Holmoe!

How can BYU hope for loyalty from its fans when it has shown that Tom Holmoe and Kilani Sitake have no clue what loyalty is!

Ty Detmer is NOT the reason for the collapse this year at BYU, he is simply the scapegoat to prevent Kilani or Tom from taking the fall.

Ty Detmer never had a chance at BYU.  He was set up from the beginning to fail.  The ineptitude and their inability to assess the situation properly has destroyed any loyalty that could have been salvaged after an unsalvageable year.

This year the offense was riddled with injury after injury.  Injuries aside, these players that TY was held responsible were not his recruits but those of Bronco Mendhall whom was never any good at recruiting.  Ty was left with subpar athletes and riddled with injuries and a schedule created by Tom Holmoe!  Yet the blame falls on his shoulders instead of Tom Holmoe or Kilani Sitake?

I believe that TY would have resurrected this BYU offense from the disaster that he inherited had BYU been as loyal to him as the fans have been to BYU.  Ty was given two seasons to bring this offense back from the dead without ever coaching his own recruits.

Ty, there was no loyalty for everything you did for this school over the years!  The deck was stacked against you from the beginning and BYU failed you and all of its fans yesterday when they let you go.

If anyone should have lost their job it should have been Tom Holmoe.  BYU football has been declining since he became the Athletic Director.  If there was ever time for change at BYU, this is it.   The wrong man was let go for all the wrong reasons.

Good luck TY!  You most definitely deserve better

Gratitude, the key to conquering stress.

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It is impossible for faith and fear to coexist within us at that same time.  Where one is, the other cannot be.

This is also true with gratitude and stress.

We cannot be thankful and stressed at the same time, this too is an impossibility.

This truth paints a harsh picture on our stressed out society.  Everyone that I know deals with stress.   I too find days that become filled with it.  Stress is the little weed that gets into our hearts and destroys our peace, our joy and our happiness.

Gratitude nourishes our souls and reinvigorates our bodies.

Have you ever known a truly gracious person?  Are they stressed?  depressed?  worn down?  complainers?  or are they always upbeat?  happy?  energized?

We have many things in this life to be grateful for.  Especially those of us living with 1st world problems, yet too many are saddled by the stress caused by an ungracious heart.

If you want life to seem happier, more joyous and abundant, then STOP COMPLAINING and start truly looking at all the things we have to be grateful for.

As we learn to be a more gracious people we will see the stress in life cease, this will improve not only our lives personally, but every life we encounter.

Live life with true gratitude and see the power within yourself unleashed as the bondage of stress is broken.

The Power Within

Power within

Many people have fallen victim to the belief that their worth is dependent upon what others determine that to be.  We look to others for our value, our happiness and joy in life.  Whether that be a spouse, parents, children, friends or our employer, we have given them power over us with this misconception that they control our happiness and self worth.

People will often say that their spouse, children, etc….

“make me so happy”

“Make me so sad”

“Make me so angry”

We accept this falsehood that others control these emotions and feelings in our lives while at the same time accepting the value our employers place on our time.

We have given away the very control of our own peace and happiness.

Sadly too many people have surrendered themselves to what others think of them, and as such they have lost their self worth in the process.

When we take control and decide to believe in ourselves our lives can literally change overnight.   The law of attraction is real and when we exercise that correctly in our lives, we will realize tremendous power within ourselves, our self worth grows and we begin to understand the power within each of us.

If we do not believe in ourselves, then how in the world can anyone else ever believe in us?

It is truly simple to change our lives. When we change our thinking, we unleash power that has been heretofore hidden from our sight and our control.  Most people say that changing our lives is not as simple as that, they sadly have forsaken their own power to the will of others who desire to commiserate in sadness and sorrow.

Each of us have within us the power to choose.  It is these choices that determine our own happiness, not anyone else.  The power is yours and only yours!  The only question is, what will you choose?

Prides Barrier to Helping Others

Struggles are real.  Everyone has them.  Everyone at some point will face seemingly insurmountable odds which need to be overcome, yet will be daunting when faced with these challenges without support of others.

Burdens can be lightened by others around us, many times we feel alone and unable to manage the overwhelming challenges we face and are unsure how to proceed.

I have found that help is usually available to us during these times, the most difficult part of the challenge is in overcoming our pride and accepting help when it is available or  offered.

Pride stands in our way and we refuse the very lifeline that has been sent to us.   We struggle and wallow in our own misery and self pity, unwilling to move forward.  It is a choice, are we willing or not to accept the help around us.

No one can help us until we are willing to receive that help.   No matter how hard someone trys or wants to be there for you, if you don’t let them in, they can do nothing for you

Stumbled Blessings

I have spent time reflecting upon the past couple of years and the amazing doors that have been opened for my wife and I during this time.  We have truly been deeply blessed with opportunities that provide not only the ability to meet our basic needs but also allowing us to spend time together.

It dawned on me today that while I have been truly grateful for these blessings and have thanked the Lord every single day for his bounteous generosity in our lives that I have been allowing the success we have felt interfere with my worship to my very Savior.

I work a lot!  I have the opportunity to work from home, this is a mixed blessing, while getting to stop to spend time when my daughter needs me, it is also very easy to go back into the office and pull an all nighter.  This sadly happens too often.

What dawned on my was this…. I have been hiding behind how busy my work is and the crazy hectic schedule that my wife and I keep as a result of these opportunities that we have been blessed with that I have found myself using that as an excuse to skip part of my church meetings.   While thanking the Lord for his gifts, I have been hiding behind the very success that he granted us in faithfully attending my meetings.  I am too busy, too tired after an all night work session to get up on Sunday and go to all of my meetings.

What a hypocrite I had become!

How could I have allowed these thoughts to creep into my mind that we are helping create so many jobs for others and that my work needed me that this was more important than taking the time to fully attend to my worship.

I am grateful for a loving God who provides us with second chances,  to correct our errors,  and for still loving me so much that He would grant unto us such miraculous blessings in our lives while I stumbled on the receiving end of these magnanimous gifts!

The Hope of each new Sunrise

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Each morning the world awakens from the darkness to the glorious site of the rising sun.  The sun brings with it the surety of another day, another opportunity, another chance for us to leave the dark and enter into the light and allow the sun to warm us.

The rising sun brings hope and it represents that no matter how dark things seem, there will always be light, if we are patient and endure the darkness, light always follows.

Last night, my wife and I found ourselves discussing those times of deep, crippling depression that at moments in our lives we have experienced, both together and individually.  Sometimes the dark is so great and overpowering that we wonder how light can ever penetrate the darkness around us.   We need simply recognize the symbol of the rising sun that God has given us.

Just as at times our lives seem dark and dreary, difficult to see past the blackness that envelopes us, we too have learned that the light always comes when we endure. No matter the reasons we find ourselves surrounded by that fear that the light will never shine again, it does, it always does and each day the dark valleys are brightened and warmed.

I know that when life’s burdens, challenges, heartaches and despair come, the days that I force myself to wake up in time to watch the sunrise, provides a little glimmer of hope that the light will eventually arrive and I will overcome any burden before me.  The days when I stay in the dark, bring more despair.  Light provides hope.

When I speak with others who suffer from depression, heartache, or any emotional malady, I encourage them to watch the sunrise each morning, take time to watch the light as it creeps over the mountains and illuminates the darkened valley below it. Then as the valley slowly illuminates, the warmth of the sun can be felt on my face when the full brightness of the sun shines as it rises above the mountain peak keeping it hidden and the valley dark.

Take hope in the surety of a new day, a new dawn, for with each new day it brings with it a new opportunity.    Seek out the opportunities each new day brings for each day is as bright as the shining sun when we choose to see the light instead of remain in the dark.