The hole in my heart never leaves. I feel its presence with each heartbeat. I feel the pain with each breath I take.
There isn’t a single day when my heart doesn’t ache from missing my children. Each morning as I drive to work my thoughts are on them. I wonder what outfit they wore to school. I wonder how they did on yesterdays test. I wonder how they slept. I worry that they didn’t eat breakfast. I wonder how practice went, how Londyn is doing with her cheer classes and how football is going for Bridger.
These thoughts race through my mind complicated by the lack of communication I am able to have with them. Sometimes they will sneak me a text message from their ipod when their mom isn’t looking just to say I love you dad! I live for those precious little messages and moments in life when they aren’t with me. While I drive, my mind stays focused on them, I fight the urge to cry as I long to see them, to hear their voices and talk with them, to see their smiles and feel their hugs.
I yearn for the time when my children can spend time with me without the shadow of the issues we are forced to deal with from others. I see the sorrow in their own eyes with each goodbye, as they too know that the communication and contact will be vacant from their lives until our next visit. I know all too well the pain that I feel daily, I see that same pain in my children’s precious tender hearts with each hug and kiss goodbye. We hold on just a little longer and little tighter each time we part.
I worry what this does to my children. I get angry that someone would hurt their children in this manner. I get angry that by her choices to leave our family and run away with another man that my dear children are forced to suffer and hurt. My heart explodes in sorrow each time I think about the life that has been forced upon them by her actions.
Then I take a deep breath and slowly let it out. I regain my composure and put on my happy face for the day. Time to work. I take a few moments to look at the blessings I do have in my life. I have amazing children, including sweet Alexa, whom I love deeply and they love me. I have the most wonderful and amazing wife possible, who’s unquestionable love and devotion to our family and myself provides deep rooted anchors in my soul for me to weather the heartache. I have a beautiful, kind loving mother who never fails me and 5 brothers who will always be there.
I realize daily that I have been surrounded by loved ones to strengthen me so that I in turn can be strong for my dear children. I only pray that they can borrow my strength so that their tender little hearts aren’t shattered.